Taking the pain out of the holidays

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The holidays are coming, and if you’re like me, that means you have to take a day or two off work and spend it with your family instead.

In my case, that’s a relatively painless experience, but I’m sure that’s not everybody’s situation.

But whatever your situation may be, it’s always a good idea to try to make the best of it.

So, in the spirit of the season, I’d like to share some easy gift-giving ideas for making the holiday as painless as possible.

First, I’d like to point out that, in light of the November election results, there is a very good chance that very soon, it will finally be legal to carry a concealed weapon in this state.

There are few better ways to guarantee a happy holiday than to give a loved one a pretty little handgun that fits handily into the pocket of a suit coat. As the old saying goes, “You want peace on Earth? Carry superior firepower.”

Do you have any loved ones who haven’t yet read “Atlas Shrugged” or “The Fountainhead” by Ayn Rand? Well, what are you waiting for? The combination of great literature and great philosophy always makes a great gift.

For loved ones who prefer nonfiction, there are several excellent books about Lochner v. New York, 198 U.S. 45 (1905), that I can recommend: “Restoring the Lost Constitution: The Presumption of Liberty,” by Randy E. Barnett; “How Progressives Rewrote the Constitution,” by Richard A. Epstein; and “Rehabilitating Lochner,” by David E. Bernstein.

Here’s some advice that I don’t actually understand, but I’m going to pass it on to you anyway. You can’t go wrong with Ralph Lauren.

I was once purchasing some women’s clothing as a gift, and trying to decide between a product made by Ralph Lauren, and what seemed to me an identical product from a different manufacturer, available for a lower price. I asked a couple of nice young women in the store what the difference was between the two products, but they wouldn’t answer the question.

“That one!” was what they said, pointing at the Ralph Lauren product. “But what’s the difference?” I asked several times, but the only response they could muster throughout the exchange was, “That one! That one! That one!”

Whatever. The gift was well-received, and I no longer worry myself about the wherefores of women’s clothing. I just buy the product that says “Ralph Lauren” on it.

But, I’m afraid I can’t help you if you are buying clothes for a man. I’m so old-fashioned, I still get bummed out because I can’t find ties from Ferrell Reed anymore.

And last but certainly not least, a gift of chemical substances is always appreciated. A pound of Starbuck’s Coffee, a bottle of Beefeater or Rehorst Gin, or a carton of cigarettes, is guaranteed to make for a happy holiday. Furthermore, for some inexplicable reason, under Wisconsin law, people under 18 can’t legally buy liquor or cigarettes for themselves, so these make especially good gifts for the young people in your life.

Just make sure that if you’re giving the gift of Starbuck’s, that it’s not that fair trade garbage. “Fair trade” is just a euphemism for “socialism.”

So, there you have it. Guns, books, brand-name clothing and stimulants. If that’s not a solid recipe for a happy holiday, we might as well forget the whole thing, and just go to work instead, the same as we do every other day of the year.