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8 things to know about NVC

By: dmc-admin//July 5, 2010//

8 things to know about NVC

By: dmc-admin//July 5, 2010//

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No. 1: Nonviolent Communication is a funny name.

Attorney Larry R. Cote, a Germantown attorney/mediator, concedes the name is slightly off-putting; it connotes images of trying to defuse shouting matches or fist fights.
Cote, who is trained in Nonviolent Communication, or NVC, says NVC is intended to keep the mediation process civil. Some prefer to call it “Compassionate Speak” or “Speaking from the Heart.”

Cote, of Midwest Legal Center LLC, is convinced that learning about the process and using it within his law practice and mediation work has made him more effective in both roles — in addition to benefiting him personally.

No. 2: It’s not “trendy psycho-babble.”

Marshall Rosenberg developed NVC in the years immediately following earning his doctorate in 1961 in clinical psychology from the University of Wisconsin. He first used NVC in federally-funded school integration projects in the 1960s and it was later used in the Middle East peace process.

These days, there are hundreds of certified NVC trainers worldwide and it is taught in numerous settings, including businesses, classrooms, health care, prisons and mediation centers.

NVC, per the website of the Center for Nonviolent Communication, has two major components: “honestly expressing how I am and what I would like without using blame, criticism or demands; and empathetically receiving how another is and what he/she would like without hearing blame, criticism or demands.”

Cote says: “A fundamental underlying philosophy of NVC is that we are the ones in control of our feelings. We as individuals, choose to ‘be’ a certain way in response to any set of circumstances.

“When we hear someone say, ‘She makes me mad when she does that,’ that’s a false dichotomy. What would be more accurate would be to say, ‘I get angry when she does that.’

The slight change of perspective makes a huge difference. If I take responsibility for why I feel as I do in a situation, without judging the need behind the feeling, it makes a non-judgmental dialogue much easier, while really recognizing my own autonomy and inner strength. I’m not abdicating control over my feelings to someone else.”

NVC is a skill, just like playing a musical instrument. Donna Riemer, a Madison psychiatric and mental health nurse and certified traumatologist, says you need to practice NVC regularly or your skills get rusty.

No. 3: NVC, broken down to its most basic elements, involves four steps.

Step one is to make an observation without making a judgment. Step two is to make an observation related to the observation. Step three is to say what you need, based upon an awareness of what is driving the feelings. Steps two and three are “I” statements, rather than “you” statements. And step four is to make a request, not a demand.

Riemer explains that step one sounds simple, but avoiding judgment is actually often very difficult. Examples include, but aren’t limited to, finger-pointing, blaming, labeling, stereotyping, perfectionism or making “all or none” statements.

NVC’s ultimate goal is to create an exchange of empathy. Riemer says, “When you connect on a feelings-and-needs level, you cannot do that and hold judgments at the same time. You can’t be angry at the same time you’re giving empathy.”

Cote remarks, “It sounds very simple, but to use it is a whole other thing. What it really boils down to is a different level of awareness than what we normally function under.”

No. 4: NVC can reduce future conflict.

Riemer, who works in the maximum-security Intensive Treatment Unit at the Mendota Mental Health Facility, has seen first-hand how NVC can bestow peace.

Several years ago in a medium-security forensic unit at Mendota, while working on the Intensive Treatment Unit, she taught NVC to other staff and the patients, along with stress-reduction techniques and self-esteem building. Since then, there’s been a marked decrease in the incidents of physical violence and angry verbal exchanges within the unit. The use of patient seclusion and restraint has been reduced to less than one-fourth of what it was before implementing the strategy and time lost from work due to serious staff injuries was cut from several months to zero.

From that experience, Riemer is convinced that any lawyer/mediator working with parties where the relationship won’t be completely severed once the lawsuit is over — a divorce with children, for example — should recommend that the parties learn about NVC.

No. 5: Traditional legal education and the culture of practicing law are often contrary to NVC’s principles and goals.

Cote says that in law school, you spend three years learning how to size up a fact pattern, weigh factors and make judgments. You also learn that ethical duties require zealous advocacy — it’s an adversary system, after all.

Those skills serve you well in a courtroom, but don’t necessarily translate into the ability to problem-solve effectively at an interpersonal level.

If you’re the type who likes to pound a fist on the table, make grandiose pronouncements, and conclude with, “We’ll see you in court,” you might have a difficult time switching gears to NVC. Still, that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t try in appropriate circumstances, says Cote— because sometimes settling the case in its early stages, to minimize costs and stress, really is in the client’s best interests.

No. 6: All mediators can likely benefit from NVC training

“I see a really nice overlap between NVC and mediation,” says Cote. “If you look at Rosenberg’s writings, he talks about identifying the needs that are behind feelings. That’s one of our major tools as mediators: to identify the underlying needs and what’s really driving the conflict,” says Cote.

“You’ll often hear at the beginning of a mediation positions being stated: ‘I want this or that.’ But in the end, to facilitate a resolution to the problem, you have to get behind what’s driving it.”

A family-law mediator might hear one parent refusing to accept the other’s parenting plan due to the number of overnights. By using NVC, he or she will ultimately discover that that parent’s real concern is the other’s alcohol consumption during those overnights.

Start by picking up a copy of Rosenberg’s “Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life.” Riemer did so about a decade ago and found it “life-changing.” Training is available across the country and online, and in some cities there are NVC groups where attendees learn and practice.

No. 7: Used properly, NVC won’t make you look weak to the other side or your client

You don’t want to come off as a “flower child,” says Cote. “You don’t come out and say to the other side, ‘What are your underlying needs?’ With NVC, you learn how to structure the discussion in a way so you still sound like a lawyer yet you are engaging in empathetic and effective dialogue.”

No. 8: Using NVC can improve your quality of life.

Both Riemer and Cote say they’ve successfully
learned how to use NVC on themselves, to calm themselves in stressful work and personal situations.

Cote reminds that the levels within the legal profession of burnout and its latest iteration, “compassion fatigue,” have reached new heights. Clearly, traditional legal practice can be hazardous to your physical, mental and spiritual health. NVC is a way to counter its stresses.

Jane Pribek can be reached at [email protected].

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