Commentary: My government is so good for me

Listen to this article

I’m so glad that I have such a wonderful, beneficent, and paternalistic state government to protect me.

Why, just less than two weeks ago, our thoughtful masters at the Department of Regulation & Licensing ordered continuing education classes for hair stylists, barbers, manicurists, aestheticians and electrologists.

For some reason, my spellchecker doesn’t even recognize “electrologist” as a word, but I’m sure glad that my kind protectors have decided that, whatever it is they do, they need annual retraining.

As far as “aestheticians” are concerned, I’m sure the only reason the spellchecker recognizes that word is that, back when I was young, an aesthetician was somebody who occupied a chair in a university philosophy department.

But whatever it is they do these days, they now have to go to continuing education classes, the same as lawyers, for my protection.

Our overlord, Department of Regulation & Licensing Secretary Celia M. Jackson, declared, “This doesn’t mean the barber, stylist or manicurist that you see is doing a bad job. There just needs to be more consistency in knowing and following the rules, such as making sure that disinfectant used to clean hair cutting implements is changed daily.”

Thank you so much, Secretary Jackson. I’m such a silly goose that I imagined any idiot could cut my hair.

My hairline recedes more every day, what hair is left is straight and flat, and all I need to do is rub extra-hold gel through it and comb it straight backwards every morning.

I’m sure I could go to any $6 haircut place and it would look fine.

But, instead, I go to this fancy place in Mequon called “Park Avenue,” because that’s where my friend Kristine works. Kris and I have been friends since we were about 5 years old, and we’ve shared a lot together over the years.

So, I pay far more to have my dwindling hair cut than I really need to. But it’s worth it to me, because I enjoy Kris’ company so much. In fact, I always book the last available time slot of the day, so that we can go to the Speakeasy tavern in Bayside afterwards for a couple of cocktails (we used to go to the Centennial tavern, but they don’t allow smoking anymore, so I had to find a different place).

However, while I do not mind overpaying for a haircut in exchange for delightful company, I very much resent that now the price will go up because Kris needs to pay for continuing education classes.

The only way I could possibly support this new regulation is if the hair stylists’ continuing education classes were held in the same venue and at the same time as our continuing legal education classes. Then, Kris and I could go out for a couple of cocktails afterwards.

Oops! I almost forgot. My guardian angels in state government think alcohol is dangerous for me. My bad.