Clear communication helps overcome conflict

Listen to this article

Most of us learned how to deal with conflict in our homes as children, and while mom and dad might have many fine qualities, highly refined communication skills could be lacking. In other words, your family life probably wasn’t Ward, June and the Beaver, but probably something closer to Frank, Marie and Raymond.

Michael Brandwein, a lawyer, consultant and author, was on hand at the State Bar of Wisconsin’s Annual Convention in Madison earlier this month to give lawyers and law office staff a crash course in “How to Deal With Disagreement, Resolve Conflicts, and Handle Hot People Without Using a Blowtorch.”

“There might be a parent and young person within a mile or so of where we’re sitting right now, having the following conversation, which might sound familiar: The parent yells, ‘Listen!’ which is about as effective as yelling, ‘Levitate!’”

That same child grows up, becomes a lawyer and one day finds him or herself embroiled in a conversation with a co-worker or opposing counsel. It goes something like this: “Look, Paul, I understand, I hear where you’re coming from, just let me finish.”

In both instances, the speaker is not likely to get what he or she wants.

According to Brandwein, who practiced as a litigator for nine years in a Chicago law firm before changing his career focus, legal training doesn’t usually include communication skills and the fine art of persuasion. Yet lawyers rely heavily on these in their daily practices and lives.

Most people don’t like conflict, for obvious reasons: It’s stressful, it’s time-consuming and it’s risky. But there can be positive aspects to conflict, according to Brandwein.

Respectful Communication

Airing your differences in a productive way makes you practice using your skills of cautious, respectful communication. It’s easy to yell and scream; it’s much harder to maintain your cool and use reasoning and subtle persuasion. It also makes you rethink your ideas, and in the process, you can learn about yourself. And, it doesn’t necessarily endanger the relationship with the other party. In fact, the opposite might be true. Brandwein analogized it to when he broke his hip bicycling a few years ago.

“The orthopedic surgeon told me, ‘You know, your bone heals stronger after it breaks.’ I looked it up, and he was right,” Brandwein said. “And I think the same holds true for relationships: A break can make them stronger.”

In fact, probably the biggest myth about conflict is that it doesn’t exist in healthy relationships — “that our best friend/colleague/team member is someone who we never argue with. But the critical truth is, our best friend/colleague/team member is someone we argue with skillfully; we handle disagreement without being disagreeable.

“Our goal should be to be like blades of scissors: able to cut what comes between them without cutting each other,” he said.

Another communication myth is that being persuasive means using “fancy talk.” But the ironic truth, according to Brandwein, is that the most persuasive people in the world use their ears more than their mouths, and are superbly skilled listeners.

Offer Actual Empathy

For starters, the words “I understand, but …” (or worse yet, the cliché “I hear what you’re saying, but….”) are often spoken in tense moments, but they’re not always true. In fact, the person on the other end of that conversation usually feels like he or she is being placated by those words — it’s almost an equivalent to, “OK, shut-up now so I can have my turn.”

There’s a big difference between saying you understand and actual empathy.

To demonstrate his point, Brandwein circulated a handout containing 12 controversial propositions, such as “The U.S. should not have gone to war in Iraq in 2003.”

Audience members were asked to write their opinions. At one end of the spectrum was “strongly agree,” with “strongly disagree” on the other. Then, working with partners, they found a proposition where their views seemed the most diverse. They spent a few minutes discussing those views, with the direction that one person must state an opinion, and the other must restate it back to them. After a few minutes, Brandwein asked if anyone had changed their views, even slightly, and come to see the other person’s point of view. Hands went up almost universally across the room.

The better mode is to try to state immediately, precisely and succinctly what you “got” from what he or she said. For example, say, “So you believe this is a bad idea because XYZ…,” or, “You disagree for two reasons,” and state them.

Show That You Understand

Brandwein acknowledged that the previously described skill, which he calls “reporting,” requires finesse. If done incorrectly, you can sound “workshoppy,” or you might be accused of trying to psychoanalyze the other person. But keep on trying, he urged, explaining — sincerely — that you’re really just trying to see it from his or her point of view.

The idea is to slow the exchange down and create a moment to prove your understanding. Start with something like, “I want to be sure I’m clear about …,” or, “Wait, please, are you saying that…?,” Another variation is, “I get things best a little at a time. Do you mean to say that…?” Be especially careful when using that last phrase that you do not sound sarcastic, Brandwein cautioned.

So, what to do when the other party yells?

Remember that he or she probably is like the little kid described at the outset of this article, whose models for how to handle conflict probably yelled, too. The goal now is to model better communication skills for him or her. Remain calm, and respond with something along the lines of, “I’m not getting everything at this volume,” or, “The volume is making me miss big parts of what you’re saying.”

Finally, Brandwein urged lawyers to forget the conventional wisdom about oral arguments that lawyers tend to use in other exchanges as well — namely, giving all the reasons why you’re right and then addressing what you believe to be the other person’s arguments right away, as well as why they’re flawed. The better mode is to let the other person go first. He or she will likely calm down faster, and maybe you’ll agree with some of what is said. You will find out what’s really important to him or her, and then you can tailor your message to what he or she really cares about.

In sum, Brandwein said, your goal should be for the other person to walk away feeling like he or she was heard and respected, and the relationship remains intact, or even stronger.